Divine Dismantling

Have you ever gone through those periods where you don't have much to say?  Times where your soul feels quietly withdrawn, and thoughts are few and scattered?  I think maybe I have been so busy trying to hold on and maneuver through this difficult season, that I have little energy left, much less inspiration, to be creative.  I haven't written in a while because honestly....words fail me.  But that's okay.  Unfortunately, though,  people don't always understand the quietness.  That's okay too.

I know I have always been the type who needs to somehow package everything in a way that makes sense.  But this season has not made much sense; I get the bigger picture, but the stitching has seemed random and even futile at times. I know one day it will all come together, but right now, I am taking a break from having to understand  the process. It's exhausting. And frankly, I really have no desire to figure it out. My own efforts stink - and are a waste of time.

So forgive me.  I am officially on vacation.  Leave me a voicemail - and I'll get back to you......
whenever.

Several years ago, a friend of a friend, who happens to be a pastor, prayed for me and said that he kept hearing the word "dismantling".  He believed that God was starting to take apart areas of my life, to simplify it so that I would learn to be dependant on Him......alone. 

Okay -great.  But I was kinda hoping for an extreme makeover, tear it down and rebuild in seven days. My idea of getting rid of the "old " to make room for the "new" would be to place bundles of dynamite under every corner, light it and run.  I'm not into jimmy-riggin' or remodeling, at least not where my soul is concerned.  Let's just blow it up and start over from scratch - trade in the old for a new model. Let's get it over with - let's get this show on the road!

So here I am a few years down the road, still waiting and hoping for the sudden blast that never came.  Instead, I have had to patiently watch as each area of my life is dismembered, piece by piece.  Relationships, health, job, income, self....what's next?  I am reminded of similar"word" I received over 20 years ago where I was told that demolition would happen brick by brick.  Apparently, I was born with such a "sensitive spirit"; one that is constantly tempted to harden and build some pretty tough walls - mainly to keep people, words, and things from hurting me.  These walls have been about self preservation/protection.  The moral of the story is that to totally annihilate these walls in one fell swoop would be extremely overwhelming and likely would crush the most valuable part of me....my spirit.  Not a good thing.

I would love to write more - and pray that I will.  My mom always thought I'd be a writer, and first planted those seed inside of me many, many years ago. I hope to fulfill that calling.......someday.

In the meantime, I am glad that all of these experiences, the ones that seem the most destructive in nature, are preparing the soil of my heart for the new growth.  Still, the weeds and stones must be removed, and the fallow ground plowed up before the seeds  have a chance to grow. Yes - from the inside out.  This is a time consuming process that requires much patience. Farmers know this well.  And learning to be okay with brokenness and frayed edges, and feeling pretty useless for a time.   And sometimes even feeling like a slug,  which, I've heard, is good for the soil as well.

So I remind myself daily:

It is often the crap in life which make for the best fertilizer - and the blackest soil which produces the best crop. 

Hallelujah!!