But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1Corinthians 1:27-29
Don't you just love that? This is one of my most favorite passages. When God says His ways are not like ours, you can rest assured He really means it. That is because He operates according to eternal unchanging Truths and not according to temporal changing truths. That's what makes a relationship with God so secure because unlike human wisdom - based on performance, circumstance, and perception, God's wisdom sees everything including the motivations of the heart. We can trust that what He sees and what He says is the absolute Truth.
That gives me hope given all the lies I have bought into over the years, misperceptions that have nothing to do with the way God sees me. The saying, "Hurting people hurt" is a fair description of my life. The rejection message since childhood has been played over and over to the point where I was buried under self hatred and self pity. And mixed in there was a deep-rooted anger born out of helplessness and fear. I didn't know how to change and was using people and things to medicate the pain and to avoid gazing into that dark abyss. Each time this cycle played itself out I would end up feeling much like Job - wishing I had never been born. And contemplating my own demise. Pretty scary, intense, dark times.
Although I obviously had some major internal issues, it wasn't readily apparent because as many people do, I learned to play the games and say all the right things. The Christian world can be such a great melting pot for people who like to hide and avoid the ugly stuff. We forget that salvation and redemption are a process, and if completely honest with ourselves, it is one that can get REALLY, REALLY MESSY. And we don't like messy, or being out of control, so we learn to be someone that everyone will like. And we learn to operate within our comfort zone becoming people pleasers - as opposed to God pleasers.
Now most folks (like me) don't do this purposely or even consciously, it is called survival, a coping mechanism which serves as a defense against being hurt....AGAIN.
But the sad thing is that we will continue to receive the same negative messages until the cycle is broken. For me it almost seemed like a form of post traumatic stress syndrome, where all the hurt and pained got nicely shelved for another day. I knew there were some really good things inside of me, but mixed in were some really bad stuff (fear, mistrust, anger, self pity) which always seemed to rear its ugly head when certain people got too close. Then the pattern would kick in, the self fulfilling prophecy that always ended with me shattered in a million pieces and wondering why God hated me so much. And I would live in that place, like a morbid cesspool of self hatred and condemnation, and vow again, never to open myself up or allow myself to be vulnerable.
I think the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that God sees differently, beyond the ugliness of the moment and the dumpster full of dumb choices and raw pain and neediness. He does not live in the past, but in the present and future.When I finally became severely broken with His sorrow (not just mine) and asked for forgiveness - not just for what I had done and all the ways I had wandered; but for who I had become.....God's love and mercy became so real. This was a huge turning point in my life
That gives me hope given all the lies I have bought into over the years, misperceptions that have nothing to do with the way God sees me. The saying, "Hurting people hurt" is a fair description of my life. The rejection message since childhood has been played over and over to the point where I was buried under self hatred and self pity. And mixed in there was a deep-rooted anger born out of helplessness and fear. I didn't know how to change and was using people and things to medicate the pain and to avoid gazing into that dark abyss. Each time this cycle played itself out I would end up feeling much like Job - wishing I had never been born. And contemplating my own demise. Pretty scary, intense, dark times.
Although I obviously had some major internal issues, it wasn't readily apparent because as many people do, I learned to play the games and say all the right things. The Christian world can be such a great melting pot for people who like to hide and avoid the ugly stuff. We forget that salvation and redemption are a process, and if completely honest with ourselves, it is one that can get REALLY, REALLY MESSY. And we don't like messy, or being out of control, so we learn to be someone that everyone will like. And we learn to operate within our comfort zone becoming people pleasers - as opposed to God pleasers.
Now most folks (like me) don't do this purposely or even consciously, it is called survival, a coping mechanism which serves as a defense against being hurt....AGAIN.
But the sad thing is that we will continue to receive the same negative messages until the cycle is broken. For me it almost seemed like a form of post traumatic stress syndrome, where all the hurt and pained got nicely shelved for another day. I knew there were some really good things inside of me, but mixed in were some really bad stuff (fear, mistrust, anger, self pity) which always seemed to rear its ugly head when certain people got too close. Then the pattern would kick in, the self fulfilling prophecy that always ended with me shattered in a million pieces and wondering why God hated me so much. And I would live in that place, like a morbid cesspool of self hatred and condemnation, and vow again, never to open myself up or allow myself to be vulnerable.
I think the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that God sees differently, beyond the ugliness of the moment and the dumpster full of dumb choices and raw pain and neediness. He does not live in the past, but in the present and future.When I finally became severely broken with His sorrow (not just mine) and asked for forgiveness - not just for what I had done and all the ways I had wandered; but for who I had become.....God's love and mercy became so real. This was a huge turning point in my life
It didn't happen overnight. No, it took several years and in many ways, I am still in process. But with this firm foundation of believing His love for me, I realized that God wasn't punishing me through all of those negative and painful trials; He was drawing me to Himself so that I could learn to see through His eyes, and not my own which were filled with so many lies. And like a coach training a favored athlete, at times the lesson seemed so harsh and painful. But now I understand and see it as God's favor, His love, and His desire to prepare for the plans He has for me. He can only use me if I am fully dependant on Him.....there is no other way.
There are still areas of my life, those thorns that I wish God would change or take away. But He may not, and in the meantime, I have learned to embrace His grace which is always, always sufficient.
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