Faithful in the Little Things....

I was thinking this morning about the whole idea of being faithful in the little things.  I have been struggling a lot lately with a sense of listlessness and wondering what the heck is going on with my life.  Between this unpredictable health condition and my resulting joblessness, the days are sometimes long and filled with a nagging sense of purposelessness.  I don't understand the ways of God and this season of learning to rest and lean into Him.  Some days a re peaceful and yet I sometimes feel as though I am missing something, that somehow I missed the train that was supposed to take me to the right destination; the one where I know I'm on the right track and can joyfully enjoy the journey. No big projects to attend to, just learning about simple things like hearing God's voice in the little things.

Last week I wrote a song about missing a loved one - in particular, my mom, who passed away almost 26 years ago.  Although the song is inspired by this relationship, I believe it can apply to many situations including when a loved one has moved on or moved away.  I think the premise has more to do with living in hope of reunion, yet acknowledging the pain of the process, of missing someone who had such a deep place in your heart. I wasn't necessarily feeling the emotions of loss, but for some reason the lyrics just poured out like water.

So what does this have to do with being faithful in the little thing?  Well, like I said, I had written that song last week, and like many of them, I never quite know why they bubble up and take form.  I cannot seem to control those moments of inspiration; like the wind, they come and go as they please.  But as in times past, God always has a reason, and often it is a response to someone out there who is hurting and needs a word of hope.  This week I learned that a friend had just lost her mother - and this on the heels of losing a niece and a father several years prior.  She posted a comment on Facebook about her mother's illness and how much she will be missed. The name of the song I wrote is entitled, "God I Miss You".

As I said, I have been struggling in this wilderness season, but when I saw my friend's post, I knew it was a reminder not only that God speaks to me, but that He wants to use me to bless and encourage others.  But the key is being faithful to hear His still small voice and be willing to do the little things - even if it is very humbling.  I am a songwriter - not a singer - and recording these songs has been interesting to say the least.  This season has left me broke, so I record from home on an old laptop that someone gave me.  It's pretty embarrassing to allow people to hear my lame attempt at all of the above....the product is not pretty.  Of course I would much prefer to put myself out there after doing a professional recording with gifted singers.  But......the timing would be missed.

So all that to say, there are times when God calls us to humble ourselves and step out into unfamiliar waters with the gifts He has given us.  And though the offering may be small and "not so pretty", what is more important is that we obey the promptings of His Spirit - regardless of whether we understand.  It's the ripple effect of a small pebble in a large body of water.  We never know how these random acts of kindness can fan out to deeper waters and to the lives of people we may never meet.

I needed that reminder today.  I do not understand this season, but moments like these help me to remember that God has a purpose in everything.  And that He is faithful to fulfill the plans He has for me - even when I feel like a slug.  I may feel like that - but He sees the end result, and desires the process to be a step-by-step journey filled with these random moments of revelation when we realize that God truly cares about the little things.

Never despise small beginnings........

A Promise of His Presence

I am never quite sure what to write.  And it seems the times I actually have the greatest inspiration to do so, I am in a place where I cannot write it down. Like when I am out walking or driving. So everything gets tucked away "somewhere" and if it is even worth writing about, I hope that God will bring it back to mind.

Those inspirational moments of inspiration remind me of working a crossword puzzle where suddenly the pieces start falling into place and you catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. All these random pieces begin to fall into place and "life" - or least part of it - just seems to make more sense.  I pray for more of these moments.  And I am writing now more out of obedience because.....water won't run unless you turn the faucet on.  Even if it is somewhat muddied, I have to believe that at some point the  water, if left running, will someday become clear.

Until then, here I am in a season of transition - which feels very much like a wilderness.  I have good days and bad; times of hope and times I despair I'll ever get out of this pit.  But these are all just feelings, thank God!  Emotions are important, but they do not take precedent over the Truth and my faith.  Feelings add color to my life, but my actions need to be based on things that will last.

And these dark times do not diminish the promises of God; in fact, His light burns brighter as the storm clouds slowly grow.  My soul is in safe-keeping with the Lord as He has promised to never leave nor forsake me.  I know many people have more tangible promises, but His word to me has always been about His presence more than His hand.  When you live alone and especially when you are somewhat isolated by an illness, His presence is the only thing that matters.

At times I get overwhelmed with the cares of this life....finances, future, etc.  Those things in and of themselves don't scare me.  It's more my total inability to do anything about them.  I don't even trust myself and the times it has been under my control, the results are not pretty.  Well, actually, I could do a lot about these things, but I sense that in order to realize that God is truly in control, I need to surrender it all to Him; not just with words and heartfelt prayer, but in action.  And if these actions are not motivated by the Holy Spirit and love, then they will amount to very little.

The waiting during these seasons is the hardest part because you feel so useless and unproductive.  And it requires patience and trust. That goes against our western culture and Americanized Christianity that feeds off of busyness, self reliance, and touch-of-a-button technology.  But that is another subject altogether.  Suffice to say, we as Americans know very little about "waiting"; we are surrounded by gadgets that are all about quick answers that require little or no effort.  So waiting is not in our vocabulary.

I am waiting on God.  And His promise to me is that He will be with me and eventually, as I trust Him and believe His word, I will discover not only the hidden treasures of faith, but I will be a witness to and the benefactor of His miraculous love and power - that cannot be explained by any earthly imagination.  His intervention will be real and permanent and amazing! And until then....I will walk securely in this place, because He will never leave or forsake me. I stake my life on it.

I know that one day I will see the glory of the Lord in the land of the living.

GOD I MISS YOU

So full of mercy with a smile that reached your eyes
It let me know that you could see the fear inside
And how I wish you were here by my side
To whisper again,  “It’s gonna be alright”

But I’ve moved on and somehow overcome this pain
Finding peace took time and a whole lot of faith
I know one day I will see you again
Still the nights are long and I’m hanging on……

‘Cause no matter where I go
You are never very far
And down this lonely road
I carry you in my heart……

God I miss you
How I miss your face
Every memory, every dream
Speaks your name

And though this life goes on
It leaves a burning ache
I know my broken heart is slow to heal
‘Cause God I miss your face

At times I thought I could do better on my own
But chasing rainbows could not fill this empty soul
‘Cause I lost sight of the things that matters most
Like the ones I love and God above…..

‘Cause no matter where I go
You are never very far
And down this lonely road
I carry you in my heart……

God I miss you
How I miss your face
Every memory, every dream
Speaks your name

And though this life goes on
It leaves a burning ache
I know my broken heart is slow to heal
‘Cause God I miss your face

(Copyright  Karen J Stevenson 2012)

What's So Sad About That?

I’ve lived long enough

Braved waters that are rough

That would easily sink a ship at sea

So much pain, so much loss

Running tired of the cost

Does anyone out there feel like me?

BRIDGE

'Causel I’m not proud, nor regret

The pain that drove me to my knees

The ache inside, the tears I wept

Forgiveness washing over me

When faith was all I had left

Hope arose inside my chest

In all that I’ve been through

Must be Love that carried me

CHORUS

So what’s so sad about that?

Don’t you cry for me

Every painful wound that broke my heart

And made me bleed

‘Cause this is why I sing

And by His grace I stand

Every senseless trial, the suffering

Made me who I am

So what’s so sad about that?

What’s so sad about that?

It made me who I am

So what’s so sad about that?

Some think it pretty hard

How I made it this far

Say I’m tough as nails, strong as steel

But the Truth I was found,

With my face to the ground

And I surrendered everything

BRIDGE - CHORUS


(Copyright 2011  Karen J Stevenson)

http://soundcloud.com/kj-stevenson/whats-so-sad-about-that-2

My First Love

I will learn to trust and pray

Lean on You in silence wait

‘Til I can hear Your still small voice again

I surrender everything

Draw my heart I’m listening

For in Your word my hope and life depends

You are my first love

I return because

You’re my first love

I will look to You for peace

Still my heart to rest in Thee

And heal these broken places deep inside

Nothing in this life can fill

But Your love and perfect will

In You alone my soul is satisfied

You are my first love

I return because

You’re my first love

You’re my first love

You’re my first love

I will give You thanks and praise

For this thorn which once brought shame

For in my weakness You have made me strong

All these trials, all this pain

Caused my heart to fear Your Name

And know the One to whom I now belong

You are my first love

I return because

You’re my first love

You’re my first love

You’re my first love

You’re my first love

(Copyright 2011  Karen J Stevenson)

Grateful

A song inspired by this week of Thanksgiving and by the book One Thousand Gifts written by 

Ann Voskamp:

I’m grateful for the gentle rain 

That falls to earth from Heaven’s hand

And satisfies this dry and weary land 

I’m thankful for the peaceful winds 

That whisper in the trees above

And echo softly tender words of love

Oh my God…….so grateful for Your love

I’m grateful for my family

Who fill my life with joyful song

Make me laugh, still love me when I’m wrong

I’m thankful for such faithful friends 

Who stand by me through every trial

Share my burden and walk the extra mile 

Oh my God…….so grateful for Your love

I’m grateful for these painful wounds

That pierced my soul and humbled me

Caused my heart to dwell in love and mercy 

I’m thankful for the silent tears

The sleepless nights I cried alone

The hunger deep inside that led me home

Oh my God…….so grateful for Your love

Oh my King…….so grateful for Your love

I’m grateful for the sun-swept skies

That illuminates with clouds of fire

Filling me with wonder and desire

I’m thankful for Your quiet ways 

that still my heart with unseen grace

Calling me to live in Your embrace 

Oh my God…….so grateful for Your love

Oh my King…….so grateful for Your love

Open my eyes, let my heart see

Your loving-kindness all around me 

Oh my God…….so grateful for Your love

(Copyright 2011 Karen J Stevenson)

Ocean Blue

OCEAN BLUE

(Karen J Stevenson 2011)

I’ve heard it said love is blind

Driven by a need for emotional highs

But every day the tide pulls out

I wanna run away from the fear and doubt

But You say love can see

Every way I am, the deepest part of me

Now I’m known, spirit and soul

There isn’t anywhere that love won’t go

Can you see the depths inside?

Will this stand the test of time?

If Love is strong and love is kind

If love won’t leave when I lose my mind

Then I know I am not alone

And if love is real, if love is true

If love is deep as the ocean blue

Then I know I’ve found my home

I’ve heard it said love won’t has eyes

It’ll melt a heart of stone and break the ice 

And anytime I wanna play tough

It finds another way to mess me up

Everyday as I grow old

Love will even stay when my heart turns cold

Even when the seasons change

You never give in to my childish games 

And you see the depths inside

Your love never left my side……

If Love is strong and love is kind

If love won’t leave when I lose my mind

Then I know I am not alone

And if love is real, if love is true

If love is deep as the ocean blue

Then I know I’ve found my home

Psalm 23

The LORD is my Shepherd

I shall not be in need

  He makes me lie down in

 Pastures abounding peace

He leads me beside the

 Still waters and quiet streams

  He gently restores me

 My soul will adore Thee…..

Lord

He guides me on paths of righteousness

   for his Name’s sake, for his Name’s sake

He goes before to prepare a feast

In the presence of my enemies

He anoints my head with oil

My cup overflows with joy

And though I walk through valleys shadowed in death

I will fear no evil for You will protect

Your rod and staff they comfort me

And remind me of Your faithful love

How You will never leave

 Surely goodness and loving-kindness 

Shall follow me all the days of my life

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever, and ever……

Amen


Karen J Stevenson Copyright 2011

Your Name (Jesus Come)

Jesus You are the Lamb of God

Worthy is Your Name

We fall before Your mighty throne

Humbled by Your grace

No other God who loved this world

Who suffered and forgave

Giving up His priceless pearl

That we might bear His name

You are the only Source of life

The only God who saves

No greater love or sacrifice

Your blood has made a way

And though the end of time draws near

And evil will arise

We’ll walk by faith and not by fear

And trust the name of Christ

All you saints of God proclaim

All the angels shout Your praise

Crying Holy, Holy, Worthy is Your Name

A day will come when Christ returns

His judgments will be fierce

And all the nations of the earth

Will mourn the One they pierced

We’ll see the lightening split the sky

Hear the trumpet blast

And riding on the clouds of fire

Jesus come at last

All you saints of God proclaim

All the angels shout Your praise

Crying Holy, Holy, worthy is Your name

All heaven and earth rejoice

And exalt You with one voice

Singing Hallelujah, Glory to Your Name

All who overcome shall rise
And meet Him in the air
But only through the blood of Christ
The chosen will be spared
And in the end we’ll reign with Him
And He shall be our light
In the New Jerusalem
Praise the Name of Christ!

CHORUS

Those Homeless People

Since yesterday, I have been really troubled by something.  I woke up this morning and my thoughts kept drifting towards a black homeless guy that approached me and a friend yesterday as we chatted outside a store in Tyler.  He was showing me some kind of re-loadable card from Domino's Pizza and needed me to read it - apparently (I think) in hopes that maybe he could get some food out of the deal.

Well, I think I was so into my conversation with my friend that I had missed something very, very important.  It's almost embarrassing because we had, ironically, been discussing such profound topics...... the two homeless people who randomly showed up for church Sunday and how we wouldn't need big government if the Church was doing it's job is, blah, blah, blah.......... 

But it wasn't until the following morning (today) that it all hit me - between the eyes and deep in my heart. I was on my way to a morning  Bible study in Lindale led by Teresa Hallock (who is 90 years old) based on her book entitled He First Loved Us.  Although I was trying to prepare my heart for leading worship, for some reason, my thoughts drifted again to this homeless black man.  And as I drove, I was overwhelmed with unexpected sorrow mixed with regret.  I just could not stop crying......but I knew these were good tears. 

 I realized I had missed a major opportunity to step out in faith and maybe speak a word of hope - not from my heart, but from God's.  I have been learning this "living in the moment" thing and walking by the Spirit from Teresa, my "spiritual mom", who, to me, is the epitome of unconditional love.  But most importantly, learning to love people right where they are at - regardless of circumstances or how messy their lives are.  Believe me, mine was one heck of a mess when I first met Teresa.  

And after sitting under her for a few years, I am learning that God's love does truly heal and that I matter to Him - even when others stop caring.  And from that place of believing, rest and peace -  we are to be His conduit of love to a dying world; often the only Jesus that some people will ever encounter. But it is His presence in us, not so much what we do - that changes lives.

We enter His rest (Hebrews) when we begin to fully believe this and cease from striving and trying to prove ourselves worthy......

Interestingly,  I and another friend had the opportunity to hang out with the homeless couple (mentioned above) Sunday between services and really enjoyed getting to know them and hearing their stories - despite the fact that they looked like hell - and somewhat smelled like it. The Lord does provide - in the form of peace and His presence - which is so incredibly more powerful than anything I could say or do. They left with tears in their eyes - not just because of the food in their bellies, but because of the sweet fellowship.

 They both claimed to be believers with strong faith - I would hope so living the life they do sleeping outdoors on these cold nights.  The gal, Deborah, had shared that she almost died of heat stroke this past summer (I wonder why?) and that she had four children - all apparently living with her mom - who birthed a total of 17 children.  Her oldest sister passed away a year ago....... James was looking for work and was heading to Mobile, Alabama to take care of his ailing mother who is mentally challenged. Not sure if all of this is true....but does it matter?

 Like Mother Teresa, I am beginning to see things much differently given my own financial decline and needy state.  I knew in my heart that the lesson is/was to see Jesus in the most unlikely places - in the faces of those who by this world's standards - appear desperately hopeless.  She learned the powerful lesson of treating each person as though they were Jesus Himself......"When I was hungry - you fed me, when I was thirsty - you gave me a cup of cold water, when I was....." fill in the blank.  I'd say that the past few years have been a game changer for me.

Back to my friend and the black homeless man......I usually have cash on hand and reached into my pocket realizing I only had my credit card.  I considered going to my car, but......the fact that I didn't have cash on hand seemed like an easy "out".  How convenient.  I had this fleeting thought of running out to my car, but.....needed to finish my important life-changing conversation with my friend......

Anyways, I know it wasn't about the money, but about treating this man with dignity despite the fact that he smelled like urine and chances are he would probably blow whatever I gave him on who knows what........  The point wasn't the outcome - that's in God's hands - but on my response. But we so want to control the outcome.  We so try to figure out people's intentions and play out all the likely scenarios.....and miss God.

 I missed it big time and slowly began to feel the Lord's heart this morning gently reminding me of how vastly different is His perspective. His love never fails, never changes, and He gladly embraces the poor,the  broken, those who know their need. His love is unconditional and permamnent.  

I began to feel - not condemnation - but His sorrow over a missed opportunity. This life is not a formula or method. It's not about Christian principles - but about being Christ-like.  And hello? - We cannot do it without Him.  It is not even a "ministry opportunity" or any of those overused Christian catch phrases that make us feel "spiritual".  God's heart is in all of us regardless of our calling or giftings - so don't let that limit you.  Your inability is His ability...so insecurity will work for you....if you are open.  Get used to life being uncomfortable....it's called the Kingdom of God!

It is, however, a means to learn God's ways and most importantly - His heart (outside of Bible study).  But only if we are willing to risk and to touch the life of another human being in need.  Folks who are probably used to being ignored, made fun of and yes - even spit upon - as I learned happens frequently with the homeless.  Wow..... kinda sounds like someone else I know.....

I don't exactly know what I would have said or done differently, but I have been in this place of need and living by faith so often these days that I fully trust that God would have supplied what was "needed".  Life as I knew it spun way out of control a while back - and my economy already crashed and burned.  That makes for fertile soil for learning to live by faith. " Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...."  Thank you Kris Kristofferson for those profound words of wisdom.

Still....I missed it.  If I had just stepped out, embraced the moment, and seen the seemingly unexpected interruption for what it truly was......a divine appointment.....yes, sorry, one of those overused cliches.  

Rewind..........I reach out my hand and place it on his shoulder saying, "Hello sir, what is your name?  Do you have family? What is your story?  Did you once have dreams?  Here is some money that will hopefully help fill your belly, but I think there are some deeper needs that I cannot fill.  But I know Someone who can........"  We don't need to "fix them" - that's God's job.  But maybe a few seeds would fall on good soil.  Maybe his final thoughts and breaths would be of this simple encounter. Why like Peter, did I "get it" one day, and not the next?  I am thankful that the Lord is a kind and patient teacher, though I can still somewhat picture Him saying what he said quite often to His disciples, "Are you so dull?"

With all my heart I know, that I know, that I know that God had some personal things to say to this man.   But I'll never know what those words were nor the joy of sharing God's compassion and hope with a soul desperately hungry for real life - and people who truly care about him - and not just about his circumstances. Yet He is the God of second chances!

 You see, the simple lesson is.... the Gospel really is Good News to those who have lost everything. The fact is there are many of “those kind of people” in our wallowing economy - and the number is growing.  They are people like you and I - who never thought it could happen to them.  All have a story if we are willing to listen. 


 And they, believe it or not, are the precious gems in God's seemingly upside-down Kingdom where the weak, lame, broken, unlearned, outcasts are raised up in His love and power to become unexplainable vessels of grace.

I know......I am one of them.  These lessons are hard, uncomfortable, and even sometimes painful - but they are "good" because they cause me to grow.  And no matter what happens or what people say, or how it looks on the outside, there are things God does in our hearts that no man can take away.  Hold on to these things because there will come a time when we cannot hold on to what is around us....the Kingdom of God is within - and He has overcome. 


Psalms 103:4-5 “Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with loving-kindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, [So that] your youth is renewed like the eagle.” 


Psalms 34:5 “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

Behold

Behold, He who formed mountains

Creator of the wind

Revealing His thoughts

To the sons of men

 Giver of life

Redeemer of mankind

Declaring His Kingdom

Destroying the lies

Holy, holy Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
Worthy, worthy honor and glory
Power and praise to God's own Son

Every knee shall bow down and

Every tongue confess that

Jesus, Jesus Christ is

Jesus, Jesus is Lord

Every tongue, tribe and nation

Cry out before His throne that

Jesus, Jesus Christ is

Jesus, Jesus is Lord

Behold, the Son of man

Soon to come again
Ruling in all
Power and dominion

Behold, He treads on high
There's fire in His eyes

Coming on the clouds

Lightening fills the sky

Holy, holy Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
Worthy, worthy honor and glory
Power and praise to God's own Son

Every knee shall bow down and

Every tongue will confess that

Jesus, Jesus Christ is

Jesus, Jesus is Lord

Every tongue, tribe and nation

Crying out before His throne that

Jesus, Jesus Christ is

Jesus, Jesus is Lord


He will rule, He will reign
Holy, Holy
Lamb of God that was slain
Worthy, Worthy
He is Lord give Him praise
Glory, Glory
Jesus Christ confess His name

Hope Will Rise Again

Everyday, everytime I wanna try

Leaves me tired and broken, unsatisfied

How long will this soul ache?

Then despair comes knockin’ on my door

With a friend called fear I can’t ignore 

How much can this heart take?

When pain surrounds this broken heart

You shake the ground, I fall apart

With every trial sent my way

It shatters my world  but heals my faith

I don’t know how I’ll make it 

through this storm

Overwhelming waves of sorrow form

Helplessly I wait for the night to end

When everything is swept away

Hope will rise again

Every tear, every loss, I question why

So weary of the cost I wanna cry

How long will this heart bleed?

So buried, so covered I’m sinking down, 

Every thought overwhelms consumed in doubt

How much will I concede?

When pain surrounds this broken heart

You shake the ground, I fall apart

With every trial that comes my way

It shatters my world but heals my faith

I don’t know how I’ll make it 

through this storm

Overwhelming waves of sorrow form

Helplessly I wait for the night to end

When everything is swept away

Hope will rise again 

Copyright 2011  Karen J Stevenson

They Can't Take That Away

For every broken heart, every fallen star

Left alone to die

For every shattered dream, every silent plea

That echoes through the night

For every senseless crime, the victims and maligned

And every friend betrayed

For every hidden shame, the lonely addicts pain

It’s why He came to save

No matter what they say  

No matter how they doubt

When a greater debt is paid

A stronger love wins out

Resting in His grace

A humbled heart is changed

They can’t take that away

For every hungry soul, beggars in the cold

Find comfort in His arms

In every prison cell, the deepest, darkest hell

They’re written on His heart

For everyone alone, rejected by their own  

He knows this bitter fate

With every story told, a heartache will unfold

It’s why He came to save

No matter what we say  

No matter how we doubt

When a greater debt is paid

A stronger love wins out

Resting in His grace

A humbled heart is changed

They can’t take that away

You Carry Me

You are my peace when tempted to doubt

My source, my strength when mine gives out

And when I feel so alone and weary

Barely hangin' on....

You carry me, You carry me

You carry me, You carry me

When all has failed and my eyes can't see

That's when You carry me

You are my help when helpless I feel

My portion in life, my comfort and shield

And when I feel so alone and weary

I can't go on....

You carry me, You carry me

You carry me, You carry me

When all has failed and my eyes can't see

And the road is long and my heart grows weak

I will fall upon Your unfailiing love and mercy

For that's when You carry me

You are my song when I can't sing

My every breath when I can't breathe

And when I feel so alone and weary

I can't go on.....

You carry me, You carry me

You carry me, You carry me

When all has failed and my eyes can't see

Whenthe road is so long and my heart gows weak

I will fall upon Your unfailing love and mercy

For that's when You carry me

That's when You carry me

Karen J Stevenson Copyright 2011

Divine Dismantling

Have you ever gone through those periods where you don't have much to say?  Times where your soul feels quietly withdrawn, and thoughts are few and scattered?  I think maybe I have been so busy trying to hold on and maneuver through this difficult season, that I have little energy left, much less inspiration, to be creative.  I haven't written in a while because honestly....words fail me.  But that's okay.  Unfortunately, though,  people don't always understand the quietness.  That's okay too.

I know I have always been the type who needs to somehow package everything in a way that makes sense.  But this season has not made much sense; I get the bigger picture, but the stitching has seemed random and even futile at times. I know one day it will all come together, but right now, I am taking a break from having to understand  the process. It's exhausting. And frankly, I really have no desire to figure it out. My own efforts stink - and are a waste of time.

So forgive me.  I am officially on vacation.  Leave me a voicemail - and I'll get back to you......
whenever.

Several years ago, a friend of a friend, who happens to be a pastor, prayed for me and said that he kept hearing the word "dismantling".  He believed that God was starting to take apart areas of my life, to simplify it so that I would learn to be dependant on Him......alone. 

Okay -great.  But I was kinda hoping for an extreme makeover, tear it down and rebuild in seven days. My idea of getting rid of the "old " to make room for the "new" would be to place bundles of dynamite under every corner, light it and run.  I'm not into jimmy-riggin' or remodeling, at least not where my soul is concerned.  Let's just blow it up and start over from scratch - trade in the old for a new model. Let's get it over with - let's get this show on the road!

So here I am a few years down the road, still waiting and hoping for the sudden blast that never came.  Instead, I have had to patiently watch as each area of my life is dismembered, piece by piece.  Relationships, health, job, income, self....what's next?  I am reminded of similar"word" I received over 20 years ago where I was told that demolition would happen brick by brick.  Apparently, I was born with such a "sensitive spirit"; one that is constantly tempted to harden and build some pretty tough walls - mainly to keep people, words, and things from hurting me.  These walls have been about self preservation/protection.  The moral of the story is that to totally annihilate these walls in one fell swoop would be extremely overwhelming and likely would crush the most valuable part of me....my spirit.  Not a good thing.

I would love to write more - and pray that I will.  My mom always thought I'd be a writer, and first planted those seed inside of me many, many years ago. I hope to fulfill that calling.......someday.

In the meantime, I am glad that all of these experiences, the ones that seem the most destructive in nature, are preparing the soil of my heart for the new growth.  Still, the weeds and stones must be removed, and the fallow ground plowed up before the seeds  have a chance to grow. Yes - from the inside out.  This is a time consuming process that requires much patience. Farmers know this well.  And learning to be okay with brokenness and frayed edges, and feeling pretty useless for a time.   And sometimes even feeling like a slug,  which, I've heard, is good for the soil as well.

So I remind myself daily:

It is often the crap in life which make for the best fertilizer - and the blackest soil which produces the best crop. 

Hallelujah!! 

Ushakeable

Our heart goes out to helpless ones

Who’ve lost control

They stumble and faint with fear so desperate

So hungry and cold

You hear their cries for mercy pleading

For a hand to hold

Oh Jesus save them, be their strength

Their light of hope

Yet in their darkest hour

In their time of need……

Oh God glorify Yourself

When they look to the sky for help

And darkness tries to destroy their town

May they see Your face, Your mercy

Your hand of love reaching down

We will not fear in times the earth

Trembles and shakes

When mountains crumble overwhelmed

By surging waves

For God Almighty is our refuge,

Our help and strength

Unshakeable Kingdom O’ rise up

You people of faith

Yet in our darkest hour

In our time of need……

Oh God glorify Yourself

When we look to the sky for help

When the darkness tries to destroy this town

May we see Your face, Your mercy

Your hand of love reaching down

(Copyright 2011 Karen J Stevenson)

 

I am the Biggest Loser

Up until a few years ago, the statement, "I am the biggest loser", had obvious negative connotations.  Your first thought might be, "Wow, this person has some really deep self esteem issues".  Or maybe you'd feel a compulsion to make them feel better and reassure them by pointing out their good qualities. Still others might cringe because perhaps secretly they feel the same way and have spent years numbing this insecurity with any number of inviting substitutes such as food, alcohol, drugs, sex, and even more insidious......  busyness and good deeds.  I say "insidious" because the better it looks on the outside, the less likely the participant will recognize its deceptiveness and danger; in scripture Jesus refered to this as "cleaning the outside of the cup while the inside is filled with corruption and all kinds of filth".

Today, using a play on words, the hit TV series The Biggest Loser is winning many faithful followers not only because it addresses the external issues of obesity, but it also, and most importantly, seeks to heal the internal root issue that led to the addictive behavior........insecurity, rejection, anger, feeling unloved, feeling unworthy....the list goes on.  And throughout the series, those who fall under the bar in terms of percentage of weight lost are then subjected to elimination; those voted off are then asked to leave the show. It's ironic and funny, but we often feel sad at the well-known parting words made by the host:  "Sorry John, you are not the biggest loser". In the end, the participant who has avoided elimination and who has had the highest percentage weight loss, wins the title of being called The Biggest Loser. Whoever came up with that title is probably a millionaire.

I love watching this show mainly because, like many things, I am drawn towards stories of redemption and restoration.  For some reason they never fail to hit that tender spot deep inside my heart that says YES!!  Maybe it is because it speaks to that place in my spirit that so wants to see and believe in the impossible.  I want to know that even in the most seemingly God-forsaken and despairing situations, there is always hope for a new life. Like the people of Japan who are slowly digging their way out of such unforseen devastation.  If not for hope, where would they be?

But this road to recovery often only exists if we are willing to walk through the process of digging ourselves out; of removing the layers of fat and debris which have slowly buried our lives.  Whether it be things we believe or things put on us in this world  (self hatred, rejection, fear, etc.) - it all adds up to the same thing:  a multitude of lies which both create and perpetuate this cycle of self destruction.  We learn to fill those lonely and painful places with food, subtances, and/or people - which, if you haven't figured out, never truly fill you up and always fail.

But God never fails, and even though The Biggest Loser is not a Christian show, I see the message of Jesus all over it.  He comes in the name of love and desires to give us His life in exchange for our own. The key is recognizing you need help - not to do better, but to be better.  All other religions and all earthly wisdom is about doing better; they are about human achievement and often seem grossly and unfairly skewed towards those who thrive on rules and discipline.  For those of you who don't fit this mold, the Good News is that your failures and inabilities are the ingredients that make for success.

What?

Jesus hung out with people who knew they had obvious problems, who knew they needed more than a rule book or a sermon on positive thinking.  In their helplessness to change, they required more than just an overhaul; they needed a completely new life based on a completely new identity.  And those who were the biggest losers according to this world's standards ended up being the biggest winners.....according to God's standards.

 Why?

Because they instinctively knew that lasting freedom came not from simply changing their behavior, but from allowing true transformation to occur - from the inside out.  They looked in the eyes of Jesus and saw not.... condemnation, but hope and love, and the chance for a new life.  He gave them an opportunity to be called sons and daughter of God - not by their good works, but simply by trusting and believing in the only One who is truly good.  They put up the white flag and said, "I surrender! I need You!"

On the show, The Biggest Loser, the process of change is intense and often taps into those places of deep insecurity and doubt.  The contestants have to learn to trust their "trainers" and commit themselves to the process no matter how difficult and painful it gets - and boy does it!  Through blood, sweat, and tears they are pushed to their limits, and surprisingly learn that they can often go way beyond these limits to places they had no idea existed within themselves.  And it is from that core place that a new identity emerges, exuding a hope, courage and freedom that would not have been discovered had they not been in such a bad state to begin with and had they seen the choice between life and death.

It is so exciting to witness the progression of faith growing as the weight and the lies (of this world) literally come off and you begin to see the person they were meant to be.  Yet had they known what it would take to get there, they probably would have run away screaming in terror. 

Maybe that's why God doesn't tell us everything.  Or maybe that's why He doesn't answer our shortsighted prayers for relief.  He knows just what it takes to remove the layers from His masterpiece - which, BTW, has your name on it. And He will do everything within His power (if we are willing) - to make us into the people He created us to be.  God does this not to make us into better people, but people whose lives are completely transformed by His love;

And His hope is that we will, in turn, reach down with His love to those who cannot see the beauty God placed deep within them; to be people who are willing to get down in the muck and mire and dig deep for the hidden treasure - the person of unquestionable worth - made worthy by the Son of God.
I want to be one of those people.  And one day, God help me, I long to hear the words:

"Karen - you are now the Biggest Loser!"

My Failures Part One: The Ugly Cycle

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are,  so that no one may boast before him. 1Corinthians 1:27-29

Don't you just love that?  This is one of my most favorite passages. When God says His ways are not like ours, you can rest assured He really means it.  That is because He operates according to eternal unchanging Truths and not according to temporal changing  truths. That's what makes a relationship with God so secure because unlike human wisdom - based on performance, circumstance, and perception, God's wisdom sees everything including the motivations of the heart. We can trust that what He sees and what He says is the absolute Truth.

That gives me hope given all the lies I have bought into over the years, misperceptions that have nothing to do with the way God sees me. The saying, "Hurting people hurt" is a fair description of my life.  The rejection message since childhood has been played over and over to the point where I was buried under self hatred and self pity. And mixed in there was a deep-rooted anger born out of helplessness and fear. I didn't know how to change and was using people and things to medicate the pain and to avoid gazing into that dark abyss.  Each time this cycle played itself out I would end up feeling much like Job - wishing I had never been born. And contemplating my own demise.  Pretty scary, intense, dark times.

Although I obviously had some major internal issues, it wasn't readily apparent because as many people do, I learned to play the games and say all the right things. The Christian world can be such a great melting pot for people who like to hide and avoid the ugly stuff. We forget that salvation and redemption are a process, and if completely honest with ourselves, it is one that can get REALLY, REALLY MESSY.  And we don't like messy, or being out of control, so we learn to be someone that everyone will like.  And we learn to operate within our comfort zone becoming people pleasers - as opposed to God pleasers.

Now most folks (like me) don't do this purposely or even consciously, it is called survival, a coping mechanism which serves as a defense against being hurt....AGAIN.

But the sad thing is that we will continue to receive the same negative messages until the cycle is broken.  For me it almost seemed like a form of post traumatic stress syndrome, where all the hurt and pained got nicely shelved for another day.  I knew there were some really good things inside of me, but mixed in were some really bad stuff (fear, mistrust, anger, self pity) which always seemed to rear its ugly head when certain people got too close.  Then the pattern would kick in, the self fulfilling prophecy that always ended with me shattered in a million pieces and wondering why God hated me so much.  And I would live in that place, like a morbid cesspool of self hatred and condemnation, and vow again, never to open myself up or allow myself to be vulnerable.

 I think the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that God sees differently, beyond the ugliness of the moment and the dumpster full of dumb choices and raw pain and neediness.  He does not live in the past, but in the present and future.When I finally became severely broken with His sorrow (not just mine) and asked for forgiveness - not just for what I had done and all the ways I had wandered;  but for who I had become.....God's love and mercy became so real. This was a huge turning point in my life

It didn't happen overnight.  No, it took several years and in many ways, I am still in process. But with this firm foundation of believing His love for me, I realized that God wasn't punishing me through all of those negative and painful trials; He was drawing me to Himself so that I could learn to see through His eyes, and not my own which were filled with so many lies.  And like a coach training a favored athlete, at times the lesson seemed so harsh and painful.  But now I understand and see it as God's favor, His love, and His desire to prepare for the plans He has for me.  He can only use me if I am fully dependant on Him.....there is no other way.

There are still areas of my life, those thorns that I wish God would change or take away.  But He may not, and in the meantime, I have learned to embrace His grace which is always, always sufficient. 

Your Love

When friends have turned away

And washed their hands of me

They spoke about your love

So convincingly

But where are they now?

So many have come and gone

Who promised to always stay

Like drifting clouds move on

In the wind and rain
Leaving fear and doubt

But Your love, never letting go

When I wander recklessly

And Your love, never turning cold

When the pain is all I see

Your love reaches to my soul

Calling forth the Truth

of who I am and will be

In Your love

I do not understand it

Maybe one day I will

How Your love never changes

Every time I fall, every time I fail

You are a constant presence

My heart will rest secure

When others turn against me

You are standing firm

I can trust in Your word

For Your love, never letting go

When I wander recklessly

And Your love, never turning cold

When the pain is all I see

Your love reaches to my soul

Calling forth the Truth

of who I am and will be

In Your love

( Copyright 2011 Karen J Stevenson )